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Masked Marvels

Masked Marvels

Finally, a group of vaccines to put an end to this terrible pandemic. For the huge majority of Americans, all earthlings for that matter, it could not have come sooner. This is one Chinese import we could have lived without. Linda and I received our first shot last month and our second shots about two weeks ago. Whoopee, we can finally come out of the condo and start seeing family and friends again!

We just remembered we have grown children and grandchildren.

During the past year we saw very few people. Dialysis three times a week was my greatest social event. The staff loved me because my wife was constantly baking and sending them samples of her “goodies.” They hope I am never cured. We broke the monotonous boredom often by just jumping in the car and driving and driving and driving some more.

Some mornings when I was finished my tenth cup of coffee I would sit in the kitchen reading the three papers we receive every morning. If I didn’t see my name in the obituaries I would get dressed and get moving. Unfortunately three of my best friend’s wives died during this difficult period and we learned of this magic program called Zoom. We were able to attend the funerals from our living room. Very weird and not very satisfying.

While we were stuck in the house I ordered some crazy things that I spotted on TV. We now have
“Clappers” on many of our new “triple headed multi bright bulbs” that I ordered. When I discovered ABS On-Line Book Store I accidentally ordered twenty eight books. I learned that a Wish List and an Order Form are different animals. I also found a Chinese web site where I was able to buy forty two wrist watches (male and female) for less than a hundred bucks, including shipping. We were also forced to buy new phones last week. Our old ones, now on display at the Smithsonian Museum died. I miss my old Apple with the button on the bottom.

We purchased a new mattress that goes up and down and will even give you a massage. This wonderful device doesn’t even require a quarter. We also purchased a sofa. I am sure my trusty little editor will cut this paragraph out but perhaps it will get past her. She is a pillow freak. I may have to start sleeping on the floor. There is no room on the bed for all of the pillows and me. I am glad my walker has a comfortable seat because everything in the living is covered with, you guessed it, pillows. I even have to play hop scotch when I move about our unit to avoid My Pillows. We have so many pillows that I don’t even remember the color of the carpet.

Now that we can finally get out we have been hit with three snow storms. My walker is not made by Jeep and it is terrible in the snow. I called the manufacturer and tried to order snow tires. I also requested windshield wipers for my ice covered eye glasses. They laughed as I slid into a snow bank.

But we still must wear masks. They are still in short supply and I frequently wonder why bank robbers and other crooks never seem to have a problem. Some experts suggest two or three masks. One is enough for me. Let me just say that, because I have hearing issues, to a degree, I lip read. With masks, I am dead in the water. I just listen, understand nothing, and smile like a moron. It would appear to some that my age is greater than my I.Q.

To make matters worse when we leave our building in cold weather the mask insures that my glasses fog up. I often have no idea as to where I am. Worse yet, in really cold weather my glasses actually ice up and I keep thinking I need a seeing-eye dog. To avoid these problems I can hold my breath until I turn purple. Obviously, this solution, while colorful, is not satisfactory. As a youngster I dreamed of marrying a nymphomaniac. As I grew older I longed for a mask. Now I want a translator.

There’s a gentleman that lives in another part of my complex who is my hero. What ever happens in life he turns into a positive. He loves masks because he doesn’t have to wear his teeth. He also, because as a retiree he must watch his spending, is thrilled that his wife no longer spends so much on makeup.

As I said, he turns everything into a positive. He loved Trump. His wife hated Trump and hoped Biden would win. Their views were so different that to remain together they watched television in different rooms and would not talk about the news.

When Biden was elected he was devastated. When I last saw him he told me that he was wrong. Biden was wonderful and had brought religion back into his home. Even his wife, who was an atheist, was changed. Now, when she hears that biological men will be able to participate in women’s sports she screams, “May God Help Us.” And, according to my neighbor, when the borders were to be opened or cross dressing males could use women’s bathrooms or illegals could become instant citizens she screamed, “May God Help Us.” Looks like religion has returned to their domicile!! LOL!

Allen Herman
Your opinions are always welcomed.
uptightsuburban@aol.com

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