Inside Jokes, Unspoken Bonds & Growing Up With Your Best Friends
At the time I didn’t know how fortunate I was to belong to a team the minute the doctor smacked my bottom in the delivery room at St. Mary’s hospital.
They accepted me grudgingly since I immediately began making ripples in the serene pond they were swimming in before my arrival. But there was no doubt I belonged, as two brothers became three, then three became four and five. We were a band of brothers.
I cannot imagine growing up without my brothers as playmates and tormentors. Experts extoll the virtues of being an only child, saying they are often smarter because parents have more time to concentrate on their development and have higher expectations for them. I disagree. How can you measure yourself as an only child? I was always being compared to my two older brothers and always comparing myself to them. An only child can measure himself against classmates, but those peers are all from different environments. Children with siblings gauge their development under the same advantages and/or disadvantages presented within the family.
I am a middle child. Only four years separated the birth of the three older sons, while there are nine years between me and my younger brother, and 14 years between my youngest brother and me. So I’ve been the baby of the family and now due to attrition, I am the oldest. A dear cousin pointed out that I am now the Grand Poo-Bah of the clan. This is my first journey into Poo-Bah-ness so I tread lightly — I say “tread” because no one is carrying me around in a sedan chair.
Having two brothers only three and four years older provided me with a steady assortment of clothes. I had drawers full of things to wear, never minding they were not new. My brothers were like a 24/7 outlet mall. I thought “hand-me-downs” was a brand name like Hanes or Fruit of the Loom. My mother saved shoes until I grew into them if there was hint of leather on the soles. And my two older brothers left big shoes for me to grow into as the nuns at Cathedral School kept telling me as I advanced from grade to grade under the tutelage of many of the same teachers they had. Even our paper route was handed down from brother to brother. And like the nuns, paper route customers expected me to be as efficient as my fraternal predecessors.
Childhood is a continual learning experience. My older brothers acted as role models and teachers. They helped me learn the ropes — how to ride a bike, swim, tie shoelaces, read a clock face, how to adjust within the family dynamic, and how to cope in school. I learned from their mistakes and learned how to challenge myself to be as good or better than they were. I learned how to share. We learned conflict resolution and its important by-product, forgiveness. In the dynamics of a family, hurts, either real or perceived, must be forgiven as quickly as the turn of a “Get out of jail free” card on a Monopoly board. Siblings come to understand that forgiveness needs to be accompanied by forgetfulness or it would be uncomfortable to share the same dinner table or bedroom. Lack of forgiveness can foster family grudges that can last for years. And there is often the need to forgive over and over, because hurt and anger keep coming back.
As unforgettable as many childhood memories are — the laughter and silliness, the inside jokes, the mischief making — it is as adults that siblings advance from playmates and tormentors to friends.
It was difficult to have the same kind of relationship with my younger brothers. When my younger brother was walking into high school, I was walking my bride down the aisle. When my youngest brother was dealing with his high school senior year final exams, I was dealing with mortgages, children, monthly bills, and the roller coaster ride of a straight commission sales job.
The discrepancy in ages between my younger brothers and me meant that we were raised under different circumstances. We didn’t have the same perspective about our parents’ child raising strategies.
Our parents had mellowed. As adults we were able to freely discuss the differences and similarities of our upbringings. Yet, even with the age discrepancy and different family dynamics, we discovered that we are remarkably the same.
Sibling relationships are likely to be the most enduring of our lives. Their impact on our young and adult lives is enormous. They shape our history and our character to a far greater extent than we realize. Without brothers and sisters there would be no extended family of uncles, aunts, and cousins. I was blessed to have brothers who were co-conspirators in childish mischief; co-celebrants at weddings and births; and co-mourners when death did us part.
Contact Jerry at jerrygervase@yahoo.com
